WHAT IS THE CAUSE OF FEAR? I think I finally realized WHY I never got to finish several projects that I have started. First, I DOUBTED myself that I did not prepare or educate myself enough to do them. This lack of confidence and/or competence created in me a kind of FEAR that I might not be able to do a PERFECT JOB(EGO-INDUCED), so my pride would just prevent me from finishing it.

Women are more powerful than men. In my 25 years of practice as a real estate agent, I found out that in most married couples, the husband had more irrational objections in buying which I interpret as a form of weakness . This hesitation or indecision is probably brought about by pride-being afraid to make a mistake and that he will be blamed later on.

KNOWLEDGE IS NOT THE SAME AS KNOWING?! The English vocabulary has a lot of limitations which are sometimes the cause of our pitfalls. I was trying to do some carpentry the other day using mostly a hammer when I hit my thumb and thankfully I wasn't hurt. The manual of instructions for using a hammer, I am sure, doesn't say: concentrate on the "nail", otherwise you might hit your "nail"(what an old and obsolete language English is!). I am sure my confidence after "trying" is always higher than when I only read the manual.
After graduating from college, I immediately got a job at a bank as a "settling clerk" which is the English word (to stroke one's ego) for "messenger boy". At this job, I knew everything about balancing total amounts of checks that a branch received and gave out; and make various book entries to reconcile with head office at day's end.
But I was always being reprimanded because college did not teach me that the boss who is also the owner is ALWAYS right. She would order me to buy her food for lunch or bring her back some personal package from the head office which I purposely forgot doing because I hated doing them. College did not teach me that I have to help the supervisor with his work (which is not part of my work) otherwise he would hide one or two of my incoming checks which will leave me looking for them for hours and delay my going home.
I also learned in college that when I then become the Boss, I only have to order around my people. Now that I am the boss, why is it that I still put out the garbage(otherwise I would stink) from the office? What I learned is not exactly the same as what I know.

DISCIPLINE STYLES. I must have 30 ways of diciplining my children and employees. It could have worked better if I only took the patience to explain what was the latest style. Some relatives even hated me for my Hitler-styles. Some former employees who became abusive because of my softy, democratic style that I had to FIRE them are now my competitors; and have become very successful because they left saying in their mind : " I'll show you!" When I think about this, I give myself a nice warm smile and hope that their ego didn't take these too personally . One thing is for sure, I did not take any of them personally. I did these because I truly loved them and did these only to people that I liked. I NEVER COULD HAVE DONE these
to strangers!!!

PRIDE AND SUICIDE ARE INSEPARABLE. i had a few acquaintances who had committed actual and literal (unknowingly, through bad habits) suicide. All of them, without exception were very nice human beings. All of them had the common belief that everything in their life and other people's lives were centered on them. Their fat intellects made them truly believe that there was nothing more meaningful beyond themselves and that their happiness ONLY depended on themselves. Finally, they thought that to end the unhappiness was to put an end to the self.
i DON'T have to prove my point by citing statistics that show higher incidences occured in the intellectual or highly educated groups and less in the physical/manual type of individuals. From these stats we can say that pride is just a fictitious creature of the intellect. By the way, the intellect is far from what we commonly think as THE MIND. The intellect is just a small physical fragment of the BRAIN which I think is NOT even WHERE most of the MIND is. If you think you have or are developing this problem, please be humble enough to ask for confidential help.

$1 MILLION REWARD TO THE WINNER WHO CAN EXPLAIN THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION. I used to cook lunch for my construction workers specially for those who looked malnourished and I noticed that these same people were the easiest to abuse me by stealing my tools, late, absent, bad work, etc. Is this the same reason why Judas betrayed Jesus because HE washed his dirty, ugly, disgusting,gangrenous feet?

HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER. When I was young, I was proud enough that I was ALWAYS disobeying my parents on those seemingly small, inconsequential things. Little did I know later on that this HABIT OF DISOBEYING was the culprit in totally MESSING ME UP; and it took me about 30 years to UNMESS myself up. The ten commandments should be re-titled "The Ten Highly Recommended Suggestions to a Painless Way of Living". I thought that the commandments were just a way of pleasing God. Now I am wiser to know that God is everything and don't need to be pleased by earthlings like me; He has got everything so that these 10 advices were really meant for the benefit of human beings.

How do I talk to myself? Last Sunday I got a ticket for speeding. I now look back at around that time that I was speeding what was in my mind and how I was communicating it to myself. I analyzed it this way : I was about to show some houses to a customer when I realized that I did not have my lockbox key. I looked for it in vain. Now I was telling myself that I WILL BE LATE!! My next move was to borrow Patrick's lockbox who I estimated was 20 minutes away. All the time I was telling myself: YOU ARE LATE!!! (IT WAS ALREADY 3:00 PM which was our appointed time with the customer). That incessant self-talk of 'YOU ARE LATE' MADE ME SPEED AND GET THE TICKET. All of these was in addition to all the stress that I was already putting on myself. Next time I will try very hard to catch myself talking to me like so.

GARDENING . This morning Lily and I did some gardening together. After kneeling on the hard ground, dirtying my clothes and hands, sweating it out, I never felt so good. I get the same feeling when I am building or fixing old houses. I guess man was made to create more than to scheme or think. It's very hard to get some fulfillment from scheming or thinking when I'm selling or listing homes. Also when I was separating and transplanting this morning, I noticed that I never got DISTRACTED. MY FOCUS WAS 100% which was not always the case with the other things that I do. I was in my element. With plants I felt very responsible caring for them because each one is irreplaceable. If I break some floor tiles while renovating a kitchen floor, I know I can always get some replacements for exactly the same size and color, but not with a plant. If I broke it, that's it- no replacement. This leads me to feeling very close to the ONE WHO MADE IT- I could really feel how AWESOME HE/SHE MUST BE just being with HIS first- hand creations

EMPTYNESTERS
My son Carlo moved into his NY apartment last week and now it's just my wife and I living in the house. I have this mixed feeling of being happy that my children are now on their own and trying to be independent but still being concerned about small things like : Are they eating the right foods, having enough exercise and rest, etc. I read a book that said that my children are just "guests" who were always our equal even when they were still young and that they were the ones who PICKED OUT THEIR PARENTS. If this were true, then that is probably why I learned so much from them, even when they were still young. Also, Lily and I agreed that we shall never push them out of the house no matter how long it takes which is how one would treat a guest.

PROCRASTINATION (Aug.6) I have not done my blog the last few days thinking that I could easily catch up with my daily commitment to myself. Now I am realizing that it's seem harder to become spontaneous in writing, the longer I procrastinate. I noticed that my alibis come first before I finally decide to put off doing something. So next time the first alibi comes to my mind, I know that I should do it right away.
This early morning, I called my dad to get all his relatives' names and I am surprized that he only remembers a few of them. He told me that most of them were farmers and of the 7 uncles and aunts, only his dad (my granddad Luis) was educated at a seminary in Vigan Ilocos Sur. Luis was the first English teacher in their town. I remember him a few years before he died that he was a very mild mannered man who smoked cigars and every time that he visited us, he always read to us some nice childrens' books. He died of cirhhosis of the liver from drinking too much alcohol specially in those times when he was involved in town politics. I have no recollection of my grandma except of the few times that I visited her, she was always sick. I was at their deathbeds when they died.

SPECIAL MESSENGERS (JULY 31) I have come to believe that any encounter or meeting no matter how casual has something there for me to benefit from. Today , I was with my relative Nards waiting for his wife Millie to bring them to the airport when casually, we were talking about the medicines that he was taking and we came to his aspirins. I told him that I wasn't taking aspirin anymore because of my apprehension about having this bleeding side effects. And he took some time explaining to me the real danger of not taking them because I had a heart attack in the past. I know now that it was not so much how he explained it but because it was he who explained it that scared me. As soon as I got home today, I immediately took my aspirin. I have a very good cardiologist and she also explained it to me several times. I guess I needed somebody like Nards who is not even a cardiologist, for me to get it. How coincidental yet very crucial because from there on I really resolved to take my aspirin every day.

WINNING THE LOTTO (July 28) Today, I was so gungho in winning that I spent about $40 betting from 4 different stores. This sudden interest in lotto probably has something to do with a very convincing letter (I did not solicit this) from a reknown psychic saying that July 28 will be a very special day for me and I somehow partly believed. I won a few dollars but not the jackpot. I was about to be disappointed with the outcome of all of these when it popped into may mind what my friend and doctor Cornelio said just right after my successful heart bypass that this was like winning the lotto several times. I also thought of my wonderful children and my family. And so many other amazing providence that I already received and still receiving. Like today I met for the first time another distant relative from Seattle who was attending a symposium on a large civic organization building thousands of homes for the homeless in the Philippines and I went with them Friday (July 29) . I was so touched by this movement to help the homeless and made me realize how fortunate I am. The best prize that I ever won was becoming always aware that my every day at its end felt like winning the lotto. Life is wonderful!

BIRDS OF A FEATHER. It's amazing to discover with people I know or even casual acquaintances some very similar relationships that we had in the past. This client/friend that I had lunch today has an exactly-the-same father- character as I have. Now, I am wondering whether or not it's coincidental that we had to know each other because of this. No wonder I like his ways of dealing with me !

At our Sunday mass at St. Anthony's church, Fr. Leo talked about Solomon who inherited so much from David, and still was looking for something that he knew he did not have but he really FELT INSIDE HIM that he really WOULD LOVE to have. In a very limited way I was like him- I knew I had enough materially and that I had an inner feeling that I still didn't have enough. I knew too that having more on material things will not satisfy that unyielding inner feeling or longing because this questioning came to me a few times already and in those few times, I only got a few more gadgets, a few more toys , a few more of so many THINGS and still this inner longing hasn't gone away. My problem was I couldn't figure- out what it was. It's been years now that I am trying to figure it out. Even those several times that I turned to God was in vain. Right at this moment that I am writing this am I only realizing that MY WAY of turning to HIM was wrong. Using my brain which is only matter was not the right device to figure it out. Matter can only figure- out matter. Matter, which is obvious to me now, can not figure-out something higher than itself.
So I stopped trying to figure it out and laid it to rest. From then on I knew that I started becoming more appreciative of nature and what it can really do, people and what they do, my body and what it could really do. Then I also noticed that I was becoming more patient, more loving, and more peaceful in my ways. But then - as soon as my brain started analyzing my very subtle transformations, I felt that I lost it again. Now, it seems that pride was the wall that kept me from going farther. Pride which is also a product of the brain which is matter. I was sure (my pride was saying so) that I got IT, only not admitting that I was losing it. Now, my quest everyday is to catch my pride each time that it sets in. As soon as I realize that I was lecturing to my children, I would abruptly stop, because I know that my pride is guilefully saying - I know more than these kids, they cannot know more than me. It's hard, but I'm trying.

I just called my dad who is nicely recovering from a very bad fall. Instead of talking about his recovery, he starts telling me about his disappointments with other people and wishes them to reform or change for the better. I told him that sometime ago, I quit trying to change people's ways, and when I did, it opened up an entirely new dimension of looking at myself and how i could change my bad habits (I quit drinking coffee because it was affecting my sleep. I don't crave anymore but my sleeping pattern is still the same). I realize now that what kept me from winning this battle sooner was my incessant attitude of trying to help other people quit their bad habits. I realized too, that whenever I get this irresistable urge to correct somebody about something, I ALWAYS ALL THE TIME find that same thing in me.

I'm doing some construction at three different sites. This morning, just thinking that I need to be in all sites at the same time was already TRYING to stress me out. When I was younger, I used to jampack my day with as many appointments as possible only to find out later in the day that the events have overlapped so much that aside from not being able to effectively finish up each event, I also end the day completely exhausted. My intellect has a way of referring me to my unhappy experiences in the past that just thinking about them this morning is already stressing me out. But I easily recovered from that and I resolved this morning to just go from one event to another, providing enough allowances in time to avoid overlaps. I cannot make more than 24 hours in a day, so that it's wrong for me to say: " Let me effectively manage my time". It's the events that I should be managing and not my time because I can not have any more than 24 hours from a day.

I was having the roof of my office building repaired, primarily to replace these very old problematic interior (Yankee) gutters. The roofer replaced everything except the old gutters. For a second I got mad at the roofer, because I know that before starting, I repeatedly told him that the main purpose of this job was to replace these gutters with regular exposed gutters. But I got mad only for a second. I was trying to figure out this gut feeling that I shouldnt be mad at him. Everyone that I was relating the story to, was getting me more to get mad at the roofer. With some dicipline I was preventing myself from getting mad at him. I just realized this evening that I should be getting mad at the lack of effective COMMUNICATION. By not learning this sooner, no wonder I had so many similar experiences in the past.

Why is it that in the past, at the end of a day, I have this empty feeling about finishing all this work that need immediate attention (changing a worn tire, deposit some money on the account that has run low, paying bills, repair a water leak,etc..) and still have this inner feeling that I have not really done something important like call a doctor specializing in treating high sugar levels in my blood or start a more aggresive exercise regimen. How do I keep myself always aware that as much as I need to take care of urgent things, I also need to take care of things that are really important in my life; and at the same time easily identify the subtle differences between urgent(not important) and important(but not urgent).
This morning, what I did was to separate the things that are important knowing that doing so will prevent a lot of things from becoming urgent. I am about to ride the treadmill and later schedule a doctor's check-up.

Why do I spend 30% of my time working the kind of job that I don't like; 30% of my time doing nothing (sleeping); and 40% of my time trying to make myself believe that I am living the kind of life that I really want. For a while I really convinced myself that I was living the kind of life that I wanted and more so the life that I loved. But as I became more aware of who I really was, I knew that I still have to find that life that I really loved. Getting into the habit of being AWARE of something is a very powerful act. Today, I can really say that I am living the kind of life that I love.