At our Sunday mass at St. Anthony's church, Fr. Leo talked about Solomon who inherited so much from David, and still was looking for something that he knew he did not have but he really FELT INSIDE HIM that he really WOULD LOVE to have. In a very limited way I was like him- I knew I had enough materially and that I had an inner feeling that I still didn't have enough. I knew too that having more on material things will not satisfy that unyielding inner feeling or longing because this questioning came to me a few times already and in those few times, I only got a few more gadgets, a few more toys , a few more of so many THINGS and still this inner longing hasn't gone away. My problem was I couldn't figure- out what it was. It's been years now that I am trying to figure it out. Even those several times that I turned to God was in vain. Right at this moment that I am writing this am I only realizing that MY WAY of turning to HIM was wrong. Using my brain which is only matter was not the right device to figure it out. Matter can only figure- out matter. Matter, which is obvious to me now, can not figure-out something higher than itself.
So I stopped trying to figure it out and laid it to rest. From then on I knew that I started becoming more appreciative of nature and what it can really do, people and what they do, my body and what it could really do. Then I also noticed that I was becoming more patient, more loving, and more peaceful in my ways. But then - as soon as my brain started analyzing my very subtle transformations, I felt that I lost it again. Now, it seems that pride was the wall that kept me from going farther. Pride which is also a product of the brain which is matter. I was sure (my pride was saying so) that I got IT, only not admitting that I was losing it. Now, my quest everyday is to catch my pride each time that it sets in. As soon as I realize that I was lecturing to my children, I would abruptly stop, because I know that my pride is guilefully saying - I know more than these kids, they cannot know more than me. It's hard, but I'm trying.