SPECIAL MESSENGERS (JULY 31) I have come to believe that any encounter or meeting no matter how casual has something there for me to benefit from. Today , I was with my relative Nards waiting for his wife Millie to bring them to the airport when casually, we were talking about the medicines that he was taking and we came to his aspirins. I told him that I wasn't taking aspirin anymore because of my apprehension about having this bleeding side effects. And he took some time explaining to me the real danger of not taking them because I had a heart attack in the past. I know now that it was not so much how he explained it but because it was he who explained it that scared me. As soon as I got home today, I immediately took my aspirin. I have a very good cardiologist and she also explained it to me several times. I guess I needed somebody like Nards who is not even a cardiologist, for me to get it. How coincidental yet very crucial because from there on I really resolved to take my aspirin every day.

WINNING THE LOTTO (July 28) Today, I was so gungho in winning that I spent about $40 betting from 4 different stores. This sudden interest in lotto probably has something to do with a very convincing letter (I did not solicit this) from a reknown psychic saying that July 28 will be a very special day for me and I somehow partly believed. I won a few dollars but not the jackpot. I was about to be disappointed with the outcome of all of these when it popped into may mind what my friend and doctor Cornelio said just right after my successful heart bypass that this was like winning the lotto several times. I also thought of my wonderful children and my family. And so many other amazing providence that I already received and still receiving. Like today I met for the first time another distant relative from Seattle who was attending a symposium on a large civic organization building thousands of homes for the homeless in the Philippines and I went with them Friday (July 29) . I was so touched by this movement to help the homeless and made me realize how fortunate I am. The best prize that I ever won was becoming always aware that my every day at its end felt like winning the lotto. Life is wonderful!

BIRDS OF A FEATHER. It's amazing to discover with people I know or even casual acquaintances some very similar relationships that we had in the past. This client/friend that I had lunch today has an exactly-the-same father- character as I have. Now, I am wondering whether or not it's coincidental that we had to know each other because of this. No wonder I like his ways of dealing with me !

At our Sunday mass at St. Anthony's church, Fr. Leo talked about Solomon who inherited so much from David, and still was looking for something that he knew he did not have but he really FELT INSIDE HIM that he really WOULD LOVE to have. In a very limited way I was like him- I knew I had enough materially and that I had an inner feeling that I still didn't have enough. I knew too that having more on material things will not satisfy that unyielding inner feeling or longing because this questioning came to me a few times already and in those few times, I only got a few more gadgets, a few more toys , a few more of so many THINGS and still this inner longing hasn't gone away. My problem was I couldn't figure- out what it was. It's been years now that I am trying to figure it out. Even those several times that I turned to God was in vain. Right at this moment that I am writing this am I only realizing that MY WAY of turning to HIM was wrong. Using my brain which is only matter was not the right device to figure it out. Matter can only figure- out matter. Matter, which is obvious to me now, can not figure-out something higher than itself.
So I stopped trying to figure it out and laid it to rest. From then on I knew that I started becoming more appreciative of nature and what it can really do, people and what they do, my body and what it could really do. Then I also noticed that I was becoming more patient, more loving, and more peaceful in my ways. But then - as soon as my brain started analyzing my very subtle transformations, I felt that I lost it again. Now, it seems that pride was the wall that kept me from going farther. Pride which is also a product of the brain which is matter. I was sure (my pride was saying so) that I got IT, only not admitting that I was losing it. Now, my quest everyday is to catch my pride each time that it sets in. As soon as I realize that I was lecturing to my children, I would abruptly stop, because I know that my pride is guilefully saying - I know more than these kids, they cannot know more than me. It's hard, but I'm trying.

I just called my dad who is nicely recovering from a very bad fall. Instead of talking about his recovery, he starts telling me about his disappointments with other people and wishes them to reform or change for the better. I told him that sometime ago, I quit trying to change people's ways, and when I did, it opened up an entirely new dimension of looking at myself and how i could change my bad habits (I quit drinking coffee because it was affecting my sleep. I don't crave anymore but my sleeping pattern is still the same). I realize now that what kept me from winning this battle sooner was my incessant attitude of trying to help other people quit their bad habits. I realized too, that whenever I get this irresistable urge to correct somebody about something, I ALWAYS ALL THE TIME find that same thing in me.

I'm doing some construction at three different sites. This morning, just thinking that I need to be in all sites at the same time was already TRYING to stress me out. When I was younger, I used to jampack my day with as many appointments as possible only to find out later in the day that the events have overlapped so much that aside from not being able to effectively finish up each event, I also end the day completely exhausted. My intellect has a way of referring me to my unhappy experiences in the past that just thinking about them this morning is already stressing me out. But I easily recovered from that and I resolved this morning to just go from one event to another, providing enough allowances in time to avoid overlaps. I cannot make more than 24 hours in a day, so that it's wrong for me to say: " Let me effectively manage my time". It's the events that I should be managing and not my time because I can not have any more than 24 hours from a day.

I was having the roof of my office building repaired, primarily to replace these very old problematic interior (Yankee) gutters. The roofer replaced everything except the old gutters. For a second I got mad at the roofer, because I know that before starting, I repeatedly told him that the main purpose of this job was to replace these gutters with regular exposed gutters. But I got mad only for a second. I was trying to figure out this gut feeling that I shouldnt be mad at him. Everyone that I was relating the story to, was getting me more to get mad at the roofer. With some dicipline I was preventing myself from getting mad at him. I just realized this evening that I should be getting mad at the lack of effective COMMUNICATION. By not learning this sooner, no wonder I had so many similar experiences in the past.

Why is it that in the past, at the end of a day, I have this empty feeling about finishing all this work that need immediate attention (changing a worn tire, deposit some money on the account that has run low, paying bills, repair a water leak,etc..) and still have this inner feeling that I have not really done something important like call a doctor specializing in treating high sugar levels in my blood or start a more aggresive exercise regimen. How do I keep myself always aware that as much as I need to take care of urgent things, I also need to take care of things that are really important in my life; and at the same time easily identify the subtle differences between urgent(not important) and important(but not urgent).
This morning, what I did was to separate the things that are important knowing that doing so will prevent a lot of things from becoming urgent. I am about to ride the treadmill and later schedule a doctor's check-up.

Why do I spend 30% of my time working the kind of job that I don't like; 30% of my time doing nothing (sleeping); and 40% of my time trying to make myself believe that I am living the kind of life that I really want. For a while I really convinced myself that I was living the kind of life that I wanted and more so the life that I loved. But as I became more aware of who I really was, I knew that I still have to find that life that I really loved. Getting into the habit of being AWARE of something is a very powerful act. Today, I can really say that I am living the kind of life that I love.